To Have Never Loved At All
by Andalusia25
Summary: Gibbs guilt over Tony's lost family. *Spoiler alert 9x14*


**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

**After watching Tuesday's episode, I couldn't help but think about how Gibbs would feel about Tony's loss of his family.**

The bullpen was dark, only two quiet figures remained. The case had been solved, leaving behind one agent finishing up paper work and the other alone with his thoughts. It was unusual that Gibbs was the one lost in a moment of soul searching, that was usually Tony's forte, but the commotion around the older man had stopped, no longer distracting him the incredible events which had happened to him earlier in the day. He was forced to confront one of the most difficult truths he had ever had to swallow.

Gibbs' haunted gaze swept over his second in command, taking in every detail of the other man in a whole new light. DiNozzo was still young - young enough to have a family to go home to, a wife that loved him and energy to take time with a small child. Yet, his loyal Saint Bernard focused on the job making sure everything was perfect, striving to be the best agent Gibbs had ever worked with, day in and day out he gave his all. DiNozzo chose Gibbs over starting a family of his own. It had been obvious after he ignored the advice given to him on Christmas, which in the light of Gibb's new found knowledge, was understandable.

'_It is a girl, Gibbs. They named her Kelly.' _His mind whispered Abby's words over and over. Pain tore through his heart forcing him to blink back the tears. By not stopping Ari, Gibbs had cost DiNozzo his wife and his daughter. He did not deserve such loyalty from the man before him. He deserved anger, hatred, spite, but not calm, understanding green eyes searching for approval. If anyone could relate to the emptiness in the other man's life, it was Gibbs. It tore him apart to know he had caused it.

Gibbs had been granted ten blissful years of marriage to Shannon. He had known what true love was and cherished every moment of being with her. Yet, DiNozzo had not been granted the same chance. His wife had been killed before their romance had even bloomed. When Gibbs let Ari shoot Kate on that rooftop, DiNozzo had lost his opportunity to be loved – one of the basic human emotions forevermore denied to such a deserving person.

Kelly was only eight when she had been murdered, but eight short years had been enough to fill her father with enough love to endure a lifetime. Gibbs had seen DiNozzo holding his daughter for the first time, he had seen the look of absolute and utter devotion on the man's face but it was not something DiNozzo would ever experience for himself. Tony DiNozzo would have been an excellent father. He would not have made the same mistakes Senior had, he would have loved that little girl with every fiber of his being. But not now, now he was left with an empty apartment and a gapping hole in his heart only a child can fill.

Of all the mistakes Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs had made in his long line, depriving Anthony DiNozzo, Junior, of the life he could have had was the single worst thing he had ever done. Even worse, Tony would never know. Gibbs had been shown the glances, not the other man. Guilt was an emotion Gibbs was well acquainted with over the years and it was heavy upon his shoulders.

"Boss?" Tony's quiet voice brought him back from his self depravation.

Shaking his head once trying to snap back to reality, Gibbs forced himself to make eye contact. "Yeah?" He tried to make it should less gruff than normal.

Getting up and coming closer, Tony's eyes swept over his boss' frame. "Are you ok? You look out of it. Maybe you should have taken it easier today." He leaned over the desk, gaze still searching.

Fighting back the wave of remorse before it overwhelmed him, Gibbs shook his head and stood up. "I'm fine. I was waiting on you to get done so we could go eat." The corner of his mouth slanted up at the surprised look on Tony's face. "My treat." The smile he got in response was almost enough to overpower the guilt if only for a while.

Tony laughed as he raced to throw on his jacket. "Awesome! I know just the place!" His mouth kept moving, but Gibbs didn't hear the words he simply focused on the emotion following him to the elevators. Tony was happy – at least for the moment – and that in return made Gibbs happy.

Reaching out, Gibbs' laid a hand on Tony's shoulder and he instantly stopped talking turning his searching face towards his boss. Gibbs didn't say anything, he simply looked into those slightly confused green eyes with an understanding and knowing gaze. Tony relaxed under his hand. Words were not necessary, Gibbs was asking for forgiveness and Tony didn't bother to ask why – he simply forgave. He knew no matter what had happened and why Gibbs was silently begging for mercy, Boss had done his best to prevent whatever it was.

With a small smile, Gibbs patted DiNozzo's shoulder before taking a deep breath. Gibbs had done his best to prevent his loss, but he would spend a lifetime simply being there for his agent – his friend. They were kindred spirits, both having lost everything only to gain something almost as important.

**A/N: Thanks for reading.**

**I had to get this out, it was burning a hole in my head. Please hit the review button and tell me what you think. **


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